July 8, 2019 | Personal
Today is… A profound day. No actually yesterday was a profound day where I basically snapped back into it. I had this realization that I have not been myself in honestly a long time. Like I’m talking months, in some instances maybe even years. I obviously don’t have all the answers. I am not completely sure of how I got lost, or how fast I will get back to the real me. Now let me stop for a moment and comment that it is OKAY to change. It is a completely natural and necessary occurrence, IF you don’t change your real self. The essence of your being, every part of you that is good and has a drive to live life. These are the things you want to hold on to.
Let me digress, and further more get to the point. I realized over a series of strenuous months, endless work, multiple failures, and honestly days, yes days, where I laid on my couch playing trivia crack and Sims mobile on my iPad, I had gotten to the point where nothing seemed possible. I was beginning to believe that all my hopes, dreams, and drive were dissipating.
First off let me state that I had always been known by my family and closest friends as a person with strong faith. I always had a positive outlook, and fully trusted in what the Lord had planned. Most of the time I could not explain it. These were the moments where I was convinced that it was the Lord leading me because why else would I feel so calm in an extremely stressful situations. Long story short over this period of time I felt it slowly going away. I let fear take over, and let confusion and questioning set in. I was like “Lord I don’t understand. I’ve done what you wanted me to. I am pouring my heart into everything I do only to feel crushed in the end.”
How did I get to this point? Well as a young, energetic, life changer, wanting to be a part of everything, 24 year old…I became overwhelmed. I said basically yes to everyone and everything just because I felt like I had something to prove. I was caught between living up to my family, the towns expectations of me, and the desire to be an exceptional first year teacher. Notice the one thing I didn’t mention in that last sentence. I was worried about what family, friends, peers, and people I didn’t even know thought about me. The one person I didn’t worry about was myself! I have spent the past year neglecting my self health. I have never had measurable problems with anxiety until this year, and that should have been a red flag from the beginning. Everyone just kept telling me that it’s normal to feel this way as a first year teacher, or your first year coaching, or even as an adult. Again I kept listening to everyone because obviously they know what they’re talking about and know what’s going on in my head.
I slowly started turning into someone I didn’t appreciate. Every month felt like a new wave. I would build up feeling like I could do anything only to come crashing down and eventually get pulled back in to start all over. I started leaning on people who I knew didn’t have my best interest at heart, and pushed away the ones who really cared. By the end of the school year I felt like I was crawling to the finish line. I was running atleast 5 minutes late everyday because I couldn’t make myself get up in time to get ready or even have breakfast. So I would go to school rushed, grumpy, and hangry. The days progressed to make me more upset and often feel like a failure because I didn’t do something right or completely forgot about something. The first week of summer I went on vacation and it was amazing. I felt like I reconnected with my husband and was able to forget about everything in my life that I worried or stressed over. Unfortunately when we got back home it all came flooding back and I felt worse than before. After experiencing a legit failure for the third time I felt done. I didn’t want anything anymore. I just wanted to be done. I was trying and trying and it wasn’t working. For 24 hours I cried. For 24 hours I ate my feelings. For 24 hours I pushed everyone who cared away. For 24 hours I hated myself.
Luckily my parents convinced me to come over, and literally spoke the confidence back into me. Which led to some reflection, meditation, and lots of prayer. Yesterday I woke up determined to find myself again, and be the person I want to be. Did you catch that? That’s right me, myself, and I. NO ONE ELSE! God has great plans for me, and I intend on using the time he has graciously given me to fulfill that plan. I know I can only do this by being me, by being the me I want to be.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” – Proverbs 3:5-6